If you’re trying, you’re dying
– Dream Girl Series
Rewritten and distilled by Steele so you don’t have to read thru a boring, verbose article full of name dropping and “how educated am I” nonsense. It did have something for MOSB once I took a meat cleaver to it. A link to the original article is at the bottom.
Woven into human nature is the desire to be accepted and liked. But, when you reek of effort you become unattractive socially and intellectually. Socializing and dating are two major areas in life where you can’t succeed unless you’re NOT trying.
With women, trying was never in style. Cool is always in style which simply means moving through the world at effortlessly and effectively.
Wu-wei is like the automatic flow of being in the zone. Effortless action and spontaneity. The source of all success in life is a confidence without arrogance, a quality people find irresistibly attractive.
Talk of “mind and body” captures the difference between two systems: a slow, cold, conscious mind and a fast, hot, unconscious set of bodily instincts, hunches, and skills.
We identify with the cold, slow system because it is the seat of our conscious awareness and our sense of self. Beneath this is another self, much bigger and more powerful, that we have no direct access to. It is this ancient part of us that knows how to spit and move our legs around. It’s the part we are struggle with when we drag ourselves out of bed for an important meeting.
The goal of wu-wei is to get the two selves working together smoothly and effectively. The mind is embodied and the body is mindful. Hot and cold, fast and slow are integrated. The result is intelligent spontaneity perfectly calibrated to the environment.
For early Chinese thinkers, the ideal person is in a state where they’re not thinking, they’re not exerting effort, they’re not experiencing any doubts, and everything works out perfectly. Like just being on fire when you’re playing basketball, you’re not thinking; you’re absorbed in the activity and everything is going perfectly.
If you’re in a social situation and you know you should be relaxed and confident, thinking about it more and trying harder is counterproductive.
Images that Laozi uses are return to being like a child. Shut down your conscious mind completely.
With Zhuangzi, his dominant metaphor is emptiness, so, you make your mind empty, and then you’re open to the situation and you let the situation dictate your movements.
When talking with a woman, you can’t be planning your next move while she’s talking, because your next move is completely contingent on their every word.
QUESTION: Is there one way of thinking about this that seems to work best for guys with social anxiety?
Let’s say you’re not good at relaxing going on a date. You focus is: I want this person to like me; I’m hoping that we’ll get to have a second date. Instead, what you really need to do is just be simple and sincere. A book like The System gives you these strategies. None could ever possibly work because you are consciously following them, you’re trying. (As Steele says in the Dream Girl Series, “if you’re trying you’re dying!”)
Basically when you’re in the moment, not thinking you have this power that attracts people. It’s what allows you to move through the world smoothly and allows people to get relaxed around you. Women have really good bullshit detectors so they trust people who are spontaneous.
You’re successful on a date when she feels like she’s really meeting you and not something you’re putting on. Or a job interview, you do better if you’re actually relaxed and really being who you are instead of putting something on that you think the interviewer wants to see.
Science proves Steele right again
Date Young Women 1987, R. Don Steele:
Women fear phony. Women fear smoothness. Women fear liars. The solution is shockingly obvious to women, just be real! T-babes say this all three days of the workshop. I say it every day of my life.
I advocate being yourself, the best self you are at all times. I teach that. I preach that. I live that.
I did not become like this so I could do well with women. I became like this because my life turned into a joyful event when I discovered this principle of psychology when I was in therapy as a client and in my private practice.
The great side effect is that women who like me make it obvious. The women who don’t, do the same. Even better, I have no phony people, liars or smooth operators in my life! That’s a great joy.
Take a look at the three things women fear. All women advise the same solution, be real. It’s a choice. Choose wisely!
Original Article: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/03/how-to-not-try/284513/